Dr. Elizabeth Olivet

The Haunting & The Heartbreaking

2006-05-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

After a long break I've decided to come back, more for myself that for anything else. Detective Green and I decided that we needed to take some time for ourselves. Basically we decided to follow everyone's advice and go for it....Which didn't leave a lot of time for blogging.

What else can I say, at the moment things are going quite well.

Sooner than I Thought

2006-04-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

Someone just sent me this:

Good vs. Evil

2006-04-09T15:31:00.000-07:00

Manon and I have been having a huge debate with each other since we met. Manon was raised ~~in a cult~~ on a faith healer's compound. She's quite convinced of her imperfect evil nature, of course I'm not. She does some odd self portraits from time to time. This is one of them, just to give you an idea of what I'm dealing with day to day. I think her problems were complicated by an unhealthy relationship with a priest during her late highschool early college years. A chaste affair, but an affair none the less. I'll post again later a more serious discussion of the good vs. evil thing. I just thought I'd share her self-portrait because its amusing...except when I come to believe she's actually serious about all this nonsense.

More Dreams

2006-04-02T17:25:00.000-07:00

I had quite a strange dream last night, me and Detective Green had a baby, and everytime the baby would get mad at me time would stop. Ed would leave for work and the baby would get upset and stop time, and then I would try to tell the baby that if she kept stopping time her daddy would never get home. Then George came over and he wanted to take the baby on a walk. I was in the kitchen doing dishes, but I could see through the walls, and George was holding the baby very awkwardly, like he wasn't sure how to do it. I was really nervous he was going to drop the baby but I let him take her anyway....Very strange dream indeed.

Hello Amy:

2006-04-02T17:22:00.000-07:00

From My Inbox

2006-03-30T23:30:00.000-08:00

Since this is a rather public romance I figured what the hell: Here's something from my inbox.....

Liz,

Why don't you continue to go out with Edward, he is a great guy. He's handsome he's smart. Give him a chance. You liked the kiss he gave you in the elevator that one day and don't even try to deny it. So what about the age difference? It's just numbers, and if it doesn't work out between the two of you, at least you can say you tried and it was worth it. And give yourself the benefit of the doubt. Don't just say you're a heart breaker, cause you aren't. You're a great friend to me and you haven't broken my heart yet. Believe in yourself and the relationship Liz, I think it could work if you really want it to.

I'm not saying you have to go for it, and I am not taking Edwards side. The two of you put me right in the middle of this though. So I've got to do something about it now. LOL, imagine this...I like it, a psychiatrist helping a psychiatrist. I since a little bit of irony here...don't you?

--
Dr. George Huang

Elizabeth Olivet, Sex Therapist

2006-03-30T19:50:00.000-08:00

The elevator doors opened and two female detectives were standing inside. I get on the elevator, and turn so back is to them. As I'm watching the numbers light up as we ascend the building, I hear them whispering. At first I assume they're whispering about the events with Detective Green, because trust me, I've heard about that many times. I often have to remind people that I was there and they don't have to recount all the details for me. But they weren't they were referring to me as the "sex therapist."

A Confession of Sorts

2006-03-30T16:47:00.000-08:00

At my age it is absolutely ridiculous to be going through a rebellious phase, yet here I find myself doing just that. I've also managed to get a crush on someone. I really thought that would pass me up after highschool, but oh no. Manon has a theory that because I look much younger than my years, that people treat me as such, and so I have been allowed to maintain a somewhat juvenile personality. Of course I told her she was NOT a psychiatrist, I mean if anything the girl is going to end up working for a political office or police department dealing in public policy.

I don't know if it's my own insecurity or what but I can't seem to commit myself to Detective Green. I think part of the problem is that I've never really gone out with someone that was so, well, attractive. I think I worry sometimes that I'm going to commit myself only to have him run off with someone ~~his own age~~ younger. Someone he has more in common with.

I also have found myself attracted to someone else lately. I don't think I would ever act on it, and I don't think the other person feels the same way, so there is relatively little danger of them initiating something with me. All the same...Manon has been walking around the office all day telling me ~~"to stop being a complete fucking idiot"~~ "Physician, heal thy self."

Adversity

2006-03-29T13:16:00.000-08:00

Synaptic Snap

2006-03-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

This is a picture of synapse firing in the brain of an airline pilot during simulated engine failure....

Words of Advice for Young People

2006-03-19T17:22:00.000-08:00

Yes, these are crass, but in my years working as a psychiatrist there are times when I've wanted to jot these down and hand them to a client before sending them on their way. And of course, because according to Detective Green, I have a wicked sense of humor. Emphasis on the wicked part. So take heed my friends. And please, pay special attention to the part about fuck-ups, I can't remind people of this enough!

WORDS OF ADVICE FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

People often ask me if I have any words of advice for young people. Well, here are a few simple admonitions for young and old.

Never interfere in a boy and girl fight.

Beware of whores who say they don't want money. The hell they don't. What they mean is they want more money. Much more.

If you're doing business with a religious son of a bitch, get it in writing. His word isn't worth shit, not with the good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

Avoid fuckups. You all know the type. Anything they have anything to do with, no matter how good it sounds, turns into a disaster.

Do not offer sympathy to the mentally ill. Tell them firmly, "I am not paid to listen to this drivel. You are a terminal fool."

Now some of you may encounter the devil's bargain if you get that far. Any old soul is worth saving at least to a priest, but not every soul is worth buying. So you can take the offer as a compliment. They charge the easy ones first, you know, like money, all the money there is. But who wants to be the richest guy in some cemetery? Not much to spend it on, eh, Gramps? Getting too old to cut the mustard. And isn't a young body grand? Now you see it, now you don't. Have you forgotten something, Gramps? In order to feel something, you have to be there. You have to be 18. If you're not 18, you are 78. Old fool sold his soul for a strap-on.

How about an honorable bargain? "You always wanted to become a doctor. Now's your chance. Why, you could have become a great healer and benefit humanity. What's wrong with that?" Just about everything. There are no honorable bargains involving exchange of qualitative merchandise like souls. Just quantitative merchandise like time and money. So piss off, Satan, and don't take me for dumber than I look. As an old junk pusher once told me, "Watch whose money you pick up."

-- William S. Burroughs

I Have Moved....

2006-03-19T17:07:00.000-08:00

I have moved into new digs, and hope to have some pictures up for you guys in the next few days. I didn't really know I wanted to move until a realtor friend of mine told me about a sweet deal. Once I looked at the place I fell in love. When I got home I couldn't stop thinking of everything as my "old apartment". I was on the phone with George and I kept referring to everything that way:

"What was that sound Liz?"

"Oh, that was me just closing my old cupboard. Its sooooo squeaky. Hang on George I'm running the water in my old bathtub. It's so small, I can't wait until I have a normal sized bathroom."

"Liz your bathroom is huge. I thought you loved that tub?"

"That was before George. From now on everything is either BNA or ANA. Before new apartment, or after new apartment."

Of course George laughed rapturously, as all of my jokes are funny. Very funny.

On a side note psych evaluations are over for the most part. Now comes the lovely task of paperwork. Nothing like a little paperwork to remove all passion and joy from your work. I find myself making jokes about the most awful things when I'm reducing a session down to paperwork. Which sometimes is necessary. At other times I'll look at George and think, we are deciding about people's lives while we fight over the last piece of pizza. Finding that balance is so hard. I understand that I'm not super woman, but I think we should all try at all times to be as close as possible. You don't have to say it. I know how that sounds. I am a psychiatrist.

Hiatus

2006-03-09T08:35:00.000-08:00

I'll be on hiatus for awhile. Real life beckons my friends, but I shall leave you with a final thought as you surf through...

I Haven't Forgotten You Amy!

2006-03-05T09:48:00.001-08:00

Everything Must Change

2006-03-05T09:48:00.000-08:00

I've been staying with an old friend, and last night I realized that it had been over six hours and neither one of us had made a move toward each other, sexually. He's one of those old friends. I realized that I must really like Detective Green, because old El would have spent the entire three days in this friend's bed. That's all for today, just wondering at my own behavior.

El

Leaving for a Few Days

2006-03-04T09:53:00.000-08:00

I'll be leaving for a conference in San Francisco for a few days. In the meantime if Huang feels up to it on his blog, he can answer any questions about me you want to ask him. I'm merely giving permission, you don't have to come up with questions or anything.

El

About Depression

2006-03-03T15:14:00.000-08:00

Some of you may remember when I was posting a lot about suicide and depression. I posted a series of poems that were written by people affected by suicide. Well I found another piece. This is a song by Nick Cave. He wrote it after a girlfriend committed suicide. It's called, Your Funeral My Trial:

I am a crooked man
And I've walked a crooked mile
Night, the shameless widow
Doffed her weeds, in a pile
The stars all winked at me
They shamed a child
Your funeral, my trial

A thousand Marys lured me
To feathered beds and fields of clover
Bird with crooked wing cast
It's wicked shadow over
A bauble moon did mock
And trinket stars did smile
Your funeral, my trial

Here I am, little lamb...
Let all the bells in whoredom ring
All the crooked bitches that she was
(Mongers of pain)
Saw the moon
Become a fang
Your funeral, my trial

********************************************

You have to bear with it for a moment, but I think it's a very moving song.

El

Limitations

2006-03-03T13:54:00.000-08:00

Men Are So Competitive

2006-03-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

Well it's time for annual psych evaluations, and as usual the ~~boys~~ men in the office are waiting with baited breath to see who Detective Goren is going to ask for when making his appointment. This has become a sort of culmination of each psychiatrist's year long effort to gain Detective Goren's favor. Not that ~~Huang and Skoda~~ any of them would admit to this of course, that would be very unprofessional, but I see what's going on. I'm not lazy, and I find complex people incredibly intriguing, but I am human and am inclined to take the path of least resistance. I'll take Detective Eames or Detective Barek any day. ~~Unlike my colleagues~~ I think well-adjusted people are just as interesting as well, more complicated personalities. Which brings me to another point, I don't think that Detective Goren has the emotional problems people seem to hint at. Given his life experience Detective Goren is actually quite well adjusted. I always find him to be courteous and kind, sympathetic, compassionate. ~~If you were to believe the writing in the ladies restroom, he also doesn't have a problem connecting with others.~~ And he plays well with others. He gets a gold star and a scratch and sniff sticker.

Despite My Best Efforts

2006-03-01T18:01:00.000-08:00

I can't shake Detective Green. I tried singing "I'm Gonna Wash That Man Right Out of My Hair" in the shower, which, at this point is the only real love spell that I know, and it didn't work. I have given in, this is going to be difficult. I'm not very good at this kind of thing, which is why I try to avoid it. Huang is laughing at me as I write this, insisting that I'm "glowing", which he finds "adorable." I am a grown woman, I am NOT adorable. I bumped into Ed while I was at lunch with Huang, and George has been laughing at my heightened shade of pink ever since. Det. Green got me to agree to come over to his house tonight so he can cook me dinner. I tried to play it off, telling him that "he better put out this time." I tend to hide my fear behind sarcasm, which usually works. George almost spit out his tea when I said that, and Fontana sort of tucked his face into his shoulder. Ed just smiled and said "I don't put out for less than sixty dollars, so keep that in mind when your picking out the wine."

I'll keep you posted.....

El

On The Player

2006-03-01T10:41:00.000-08:00

In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel

Mind Numbing Television

2006-02-28T12:20:00.000-08:00

I managed to successfully avoid all phone calls for a few days by planting myself in front of my television set. I wanted to stop thinking, and that's the quickest way that I know how. So after The Man Who Fell To Earth ended around four this morning, I decided I had to emerge from my apartment. I went for a walk. First of all it was very cold, and second, I got no closer to an answer. The night I ended up at Detective Green's apartment in a drunken stupor, he, as Manon puts it, "dropped the L bomb." Uh, WTF, he doesn't even know me. I mean he knows me, but not well enough to love me. It has just been so long since I've really allowed myself to love someone, and I just see so many potential problems with this relationship. And also, that night we started kissing but before things cold progress any further he said something about not wanting to sleep with me when he was drunk. Something about wanting the first time to be special. I couldn't believe he was pulling one of my tricks on me! You should never do that to a woman. Men want sex all the time, so they are used to being rejected. Women on the other hand are not used to this rejection, at all. I was crestfallen. I know that logically he is right, and that he desires me very much, however at that moment I was completely dejected, and that is what scared me. I was really hurt that he didn't want me. I'm not used to caring that much about someone, and it's frightening. I won't even get started on everything that "I love You" brought up in my psyche...this is getting so complicated. And yes, I know that's completely my fault.

Procrastination

2006-02-28T01:05:00.000-08:00

On the Player

2006-02-28T00:49:00.000-08:00

Like Someone In Love by Bjork.....

I am a Heartbreaker

2006-02-26T02:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, here we go, a real post. Why have I been putting this off? I don't really know. Maybe I don't want to jinx anything, or maybe I haven't been quite sure about where things are going, at least not sure enough to commit them to writing. I can be like a lawyer sometimes, especially when negotiating matters of the heart. I will admit here and now that I am a heartbreaker. I can't help it, it's my nature. In my darker moments I've been what Skoda calls, a sublimated sociopath. Even now I'm struggling with what it is I want to say. The kiss in the elevator had my pulse racing as fast as the elevator car, but I recognize my own type. I can smell another heartbreaker a mile away, he smells expensive, and his name is Detective Green. Last night we he had a few too many and I had to carry him up the stairs to his apartment. I know it's wrong to take advantage of someone when they are in a weakened state, but what the hell did he expect? I'm a psychiatrist damn it! I knew whatever I asked him he would tell me the truth; not that I think Detective Green is dishonest with me. I'm very aware of how much he likes me, and I like him too. I understand that he thinks I hung the moon, but that's how it always goes in the beginning of a relationship. And believe me I want him too, I mean, have you seen the man? Adonnis could take notes...I'll have to finish this later, too much thinking today.

All I Have to Say Is:

2006-02-25T19:17:00.000-08:00

Help a Poet in Need

2006-02-25T08:59:00.000-08:00

Help one of the poets-in-residence here, and tell Manon what your favorite word is.

For Barek

2006-02-24T18:34:00.000-08:00

Love should be shared, especially love of demotivators....I promise to leave a real post soon.

Oh yeah, and right now it's Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt loaded on the player.

Sacrifice

2006-02-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

Oh Amy! One day they will find a way to fuse our gametes, and then sarcasm will become a dominant trait....

Let Me Just Say This:

2006-02-23T13:18:00.000-08:00

I'm so in love!

Detective Green Sent Me This:

2006-02-22T10:17:00.000-08:00

Detective Green sent me this:

I Write Poetry Gentlemen!
by Gloria Fuertes

I write poetry, gentlemen, I write poetry,
but please don't call me poetess;
I swig my wine like the bricklayers do
and I have an assistant who talks to herself.
This world's a strange place;
things happen, gentlemen, that I don't disclose;
they build cases, for example, yet never build homes
for the poor who can't afford them.

And old maids are always having it out with their dogs,
married men with their mistresses,
yet no one says anything to the brutal tyrants.
And we read about the deaths and flip the pages,
and the people hate us and we say: that's life,
and they step on our necks and we don't get up.

All this happens, gentlemen, and I must say it.

Strife

2006-02-20T22:30:00.000-08:00

Commitment

2006-02-20T22:14:00.000-08:00

The comment was made in jest, but I've been asked more than once if I'm afraid of commitment. I am a 46 year old woman who has never been married, and has no children, believe me when I say that I've been asked this questions A LOT. Let me say this: yes. However, being unmarried and childless is a choice that I have made, and this is why: I don't need to be married or have children to be happy. I have friends who think I'm crazy because I've turned down more than one marriage proposal, but I have very high standards for that kind of commitment. Basically a man's desire to marry me is not enough of a reason for me to commit myself to him. More than that, if I am going to get married I intend for it to be forever, and I've yet to be with someone that I felt I could make that kind of commitment to. I've seen too many unhappily married people, as well as poorly parented. I have really strong feelings about what a marriage should be, and what constitutes good parenting. Of course when I see my sister's children I wonder if I'm missing out on something, but I wonder the same thing when I see an actress. Thats a path I could have taken as well. Some of my friends say that I'm cynical, but I disagree, I actually think I'm a romantic in the truest sense of the word.

Some Things Defy Explanation

2006-02-20T02:17:00.000-08:00

A man who is on trial for the attempted kidnapping of his wife and charges of child pornography tried to turn his wife into a sex slave. The Smoking Gun got a hold of the actual contract that he tried to get her to sign. Some things just have to be seen to be believed. Please read and respond. The Contract

Oh Yeah!

2006-02-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

I've been snubbing people left and right lately. Since I've gotten some comments on the header, I realized it would probably be appropriate for me to thank Manon for making me a new header. She said she had a vision and it didn't include my bad "Dallas" hair. I tried to explain to her that one day people might think that her various piercing aren't as sexy as she thinks they are (she pierced her back for Valentine's Day), so she should be kind to her elders.

Lithium

2006-02-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

Alas, leave it to life to act as one giant lithium pill. What is that tension between desire and satisfaction? It can be hard to have no one in your life, but I wonder at which is more difficult; to be alone, or to have someone and be apart from them? We haven't been able to see each other since Valentine's Day. We keep making plans and life keeps throwing up road blocks. This drawn out tension has turned me into a teenager, I'm having trouble thinking about anything but him. This is going to be a long day. And I still have to wait another before I can see him again. I'm going to start sounding like Detective Goren in a minute. Well, that's not true, eventually I will be able to do something about my tension. Do you see? This prolonged separation is now making me insensitive and rude! Ughh, I cannot concentrate. I'll try posting again later.

Some Questions Just Answer Themselves

2006-02-19T07:32:00.000-08:00

A Surprise, a Wonderful One

2006-02-14T20:30:00.000-08:00

I wasn't really having a great day when it happened. I was called in early to assist with an interrogation. Some days I really hate this job, and it was one of those. The guy they were interrogating called me a bitch and tried to spit on me. I know not to take it personally and all that, but at the same time, some days are just harder than others. And after all that, no dice. The ADA is going to have try a different approach to get the guy. So I'm standing around at the coffee machine and most of the detectives are in a meeting. I was kind of disappointed because one of the detectives that I really like wasn't around, and I had really been looking forward to talking to him. I was hanging around kind of hoping that they might take a break or something so I could at least say hi, but one of the office assistants said that they weren't due for another break for at least an hour. So I finished my doughnut and started to scribble a note to leave on my friend's desk. Then I thought that maybe I shouldn't, so I just left. So I'm in the main lobby of the building, lost in my own thoughts, I was debating going back and leaving a note for my friend. I caught myself smiling just thinking about him. I try not to let myself develop feelings for people I work with, but well technically we don't work together. But I just really like the guy. Every time I'm at the office we end up getting in a really long conversation. I always feel really excited after I've seen him. I think he's just genuinely a good person. Its so hard to say that these days about anyone, myself included.

So I'm almost out the door, when I hear someone calling my name. I turn around and its my friend. He's panting and starting to sweat, and I know that he must've run all the way from conference room and down the stairs to catch me. I couldn't help it, that put a smile on my face that I think I'm still wearing. I was just relieved that he really wanted to talk to me too. So I tried to be casual, and asked him if something was wrong, and he looked me right in the eye and said "No, not at all. I just really wanted to talk to you." Awkward silence. I couldn't help it I had to laugh, and he did too. And then he asked me if I wanted to go to lunch. I told him I was busy, but maybe we could get dinner or something later, and he couldn't. So then he says, "Well, can I take you out tomorrow?" This made me really happy. I wasn't sure if I should let it show or not. I figured, to hell with it, I smiled really big and said "I couldn't think of anything I'd rather be doing." I gave him my number and told him to call me tomorrow and we'd make more solid plans. We parted ways and when I got to the street I looked back and he was still standing there smiling. I literally floated back to my office. I don't know what it is, but when a guy chases after you to ask you out, it makes you feel like Helen of Troy. Probably because they're putting themselves in the position to be totally humiliated.

I got into the office and was going over my appointment schedule for the day, and that was when it hit me that tomorrow (well today as of this posting) was Valentine's Day...That was when I got nervous. That's a lot of pressure for a first date. Manon said she didn't approve, she said that my date was very presumptive to ask me out on Valentine's Day, and that on principal I should have said no. But she has very exacting standards when it comes to dating. I'm over 40 so I don't. She did concede that he was "really hot" though. I'll admit it, that appeased my ego a bit. He is dreamy...

I've never had a man literally chase me down before....I'm doomed!

Good Poetry

2006-02-13T16:37:00.000-08:00

I was going through some of my old files today, and I found a packet of poems that I had put together for a friend who was trying to "get into" poetry years ago. I thought I'd share some of it here.

At the Playground,
Singing for Psychiatric
Out-Patients

by Peter Everwine

The bright-faced children have gone home,
Trailing the sun to supper.
Tonight,
These others have come,
Almost sweetly shy, starched
For their monthly party.
Nurse herds them into metal chairs.

I've come to sing, Nurse tells them,
And they fold their hands
--these lately mad who failed behind a door
or slipped under in a jammed street,
whose eyes blossomed like silver
fists in mirrors, in plate-glass windows.
Nurse is waiting for me.

So I sing for them,
For the boy
In the front row, groping
The stiff corners of his pockets;
For the ugly one in pink anklets
--her legs have never felt a razor,
though her wrist has; for him
whose fingers are eaten by ants; for her
whose face sags like a torn sack.
They do not like my songs,
But infinitely polite, they turn
Their smiles up into the dark
As if a smile should fall softly,
Obliquely, like rain.

"Home on the Range," Nurse calls out,
her sure fingers on the pulse of America.
I start in faltering voice,
Half-forgetting those dead words
Sung at campfires in the past.
One joins, and then another:
Home, home on the rangeÂ
Where the deer
Where the skies are
The voices crack and lurch, we
Are singing, the boy, the ugly one,
Singing like crows in the empty
Prairie of a children's playground
Where if there are distances that shine
They shine like the eyes of pain.

Peter Everwine is a lesser known poet, but one of the most respected. He has only published three or four books in his lifetime (he's well into his 70's). But he is one of those quantity over quality people. He's only published a few books, but they've each won numerous prestigious awards. I think I really enjoy his work because he has an uncanny ability to capture mood with images. I've never read a bad, or even average poem by him.

Special for Amy

2006-02-11T16:47:00.000-08:00

This is for Amy. I think it kind of fit her post today, and well, I think she loves these things almost as much as I do.

As A Psychiatrist

2006-02-11T12:43:00.000-08:00

This is an endless source of amusement...Its just funny to listen to people debating what kind of advice to give someone.

Henry Rollins: My Tom Waits Story

We Care A Lot

2006-02-11T11:25:00.000-08:00

Alrighty, I've decided this should just be the theme song for this blogdom.....because maintaining a sense of humor is important.

We Care A Lot

Faith No More
Introduce Yourself (1987)
We Care A Lot

We care a lot about disasters, fires, floods and killer bees
We care a lot about the NASA shuttle falling in the sea
We care a lot about starvation and the food that Live Aid bought
We care a lot about disease, baby Rock, Hudson, rock, yeah!

We care a lot about the gamblers and the pushers and the geeks
We care a lot about the crack and smack and whack that hits the street
We care a lot about the welfare of all the boys and girls
We care a lot about you people cause we're out to save the world

YEAH!

And it's a dirty job but someone's gotta do it

We care a lot about the army navy air force and marines
We care a lot about the SF, NY and LAPD
We care a lot about you people, about your guns
about the wars you're fighting gee that looks like fun

We care a lot about the Garbage Pail Kids, they never lie
We care a lot about Transformers cause there's more than meets the eye

We care a lot about the little things, the bigger things we top
We care a lot about you people yeah you bet we care a lot,

YEAH!

Well, its a dirty job but someone's gotta do it
And it's a dirty song but someone's gotta sing it

More Theme Songs

2006-02-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

Theme songs are a little trickier for those friends I haven't known as long. I almost posted these yesterday but felt unsure. However, Janice has made me more confident.

Janice: Pretty
Amy: Stroker Ace
Jules: We Care A Lot
Manon: Beautiful Child

The Wonder of Me

2006-02-10T17:06:00.000-08:00

Here's some pictures from a friends baby shower......

Theme Songs

2006-02-10T11:47:00.000-08:00

If you could give people in your life theme songs, what would they be?

I'll start (I'll add more as I think of them):

Detective Goren: I'm on Fire
Detective Logan: The Cold Cold Ground
Detective Eames: Feelin' Good
Nemesis Nicole: Bad Reputation
Nicole Wallace: Baby Did A Bad Bad Thing
Chloe Gardner: Come to Me
Lady Axe: Judith (warning, contains grown-up language and sentiments)

Okay, everyone is tagged. I want to see lists people!

Who's Gonna Play Me?

2006-02-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

MartyF is having some fun, I'm curious to see how you guys would answer....Go post over there!

Who's Gonna Play Me?

Some Analysis

2006-02-10T09:24:00.000-08:00

Manon said: "Obviously something terrible is going to happen to Detective Eames, and you're going to have to help Detective Goren deal with it, the way you helped Detective Logan."

Huang said: "You have some unconcious desires you need to deal with. Probably your attraction to me." (I'm assuming he was trying to be funny.)

I say: I think I'm concerned about Detective Goren's state of mind, and want to help him in some way. And I haven't hung out with Mike in awhile, and I usually enjoy spending time with him.

I Almost Forgot

2006-02-10T00:33:00.000-08:00

Put it All Together & Whats that Spell?

2006-02-09T23:02:00.000-08:00

Sun
The sun sustains all life on Earth. When you see it in your dreams, it suggests that you are being nurtured and sustained by your environment and your life choices. It could also represent a spiritual force or the light of God. Sunrise may indicate new beginnings and a new wave of energy while sunsets suggest a period of closure and completion. Sunlight in your dreams is never a negative symbol. Light always symbolizes or indicates consciousness and may connote masculine energy. Its presence, even in the most disturbing dreams, has reassuring quality. Old dream interpretation books say that sun shining on you is an omen of good fortune and good will. "It is the classical symbol for the unity and divinity of the self; source of life and the ultimate wholeness of man"

Sharks
Please remember that the water in your dreams may be a statement about your emotions and the unconscious. Sharks, water-dwelling animals, could represent unpleasant emotions or difficult and painful materials coming up from the unconscious. You may feel some emotional upset, and the shark could be the symbol of the perceived emotional danger. Old dream interpretation books say that sharks may represent dishonest friends or reflect financial troubles.

Alcohol
Understanding the symbol of alcohol in your dreams depends on the relationship you have with it in daily life. If you drink regularly, you need to look at the other details of your dream more carefully. However, if you drink rarely or never, then this dream could represent a need for you to escape from your daily stress and your desire to get quick relief. The alcohol could be suggesting a need for healing and getting in balance. Your unconscious mind may be suggesting outrageous things in hopes that you get the message to "have fun, dream dreams, and get out of your own head!" Please keep in mind that the purpose of dreams is to raise our consciousness and to assist us in having better lives. The message in the dream about alcohol is most likely not encouraging you to drink but it may represent a need to feel better or get better.

Insects in a dream always represent obstacles that you must overcome to reach your goals, if you manage to exterminate them or they are not bothersome to you then you will meet your obstacles with strength, and be able to overcome them. Insects also represent excessive worry over certain things, meditate to find out what they might mean to you by using all the symbols in your dream for reference

Chase
Folklore interpretations say that if you are looking at a chase or participating in it, you will have a comfortable old age. Although this may be comforting, there is a more realistic understanding of this activity in a dream. If you are being chased, maybe you are running away from or trying to escape those things that are frightening and unpleasant (possibly your own habits and negative behaviors). If you are doing the chasing, it may be that you are expressing some aggressive feelings toward others or are pursuing a very difficult goal. On the deepest level, if a stranger is chasing you it may represent your chasing a part of yourself, the unconscious attempts to catch up with the conscious in order for you to become more aware of yourself and your own multidimensional nature.

Door
Doors are passageways and in our dreams that is their symbolism. Going through a door may represent going from one state of consciousness to another, or from one inner plane to another. Locked or closed doors may represent an obstacle or opportunities that are not currently available to you . Many doors may represent your current choices.

Melody/song
Hearing sounds in your dreams can be looked at from a spiritual point of view. Nice sounds are usually positive symbols. Some may say that in your dream state you have traveled to other higher and more spiritual plains. Traditional interpretations tell us that if you hear a familiar melody, you may bump into old friends. Psychologically speaking, you may have heard a song during the day and in your dream state you are simply replaying it. However, since dreams always have meaning, the song that you are dreaming about may have messages in it that will assist you in solving a problem or will help you to feel better.

Dream symbol: necktie
necktie, neckties

Interpretation:
Formality or a need for it
Creating a noose for yourself through pursuing something that is not serving you

This stuff came from The Dream Dictionary

My Strange Dream

2006-02-08T14:26:00.000-08:00

I had a strange dream last night, so I figured I'd share it with you guys....Since I've been exposing poor patient X.

So Detective Logan and I are on my balcony in our swimsuits. We're laying out tanning, its really sunny and hot outside. We're looking out over the city and we're drinking beer. And we're talking about whether or not sharks have scales. We run out of beer, and I go inside to get more from the fridge. So while I'm in my kitchen I see a huge cockroach. Like a hissing cockroach from Madagascar or something, anyway, its running across the floor and I follow it, it slips under my front door, so I follow it into the hallway. As I'm going down the hallway I start to hear music, it gets louder and louder as I go down the hallway. Then the cockroach slips under another apartment door. Its where the music is coming from, I recognize the song, its "Dazed and Confused" by Led Zeppelin. So I knock on the door, and Detective Goren answers the door. It looks like he just got off work, he's wearing a suit, but his jacket is off and his sleeves are half way rolled up. And I say "Are you alright then?" And he looks at me for a minute, and he starts loosening his tie and right before it seems like he's going to answer me I wake up.

Okay, I open this one up to the floor. Huang has already had a field day with it.

Burn Out

2006-02-08T14:17:00.000-08:00

Fun with Body Language 3

2006-02-07T21:06:00.000-08:00

The face touch is a sign of insecurity. Its our attempt to comfort ourselves. Again the hands in front of the mouth is an unconscious attempt to stop what it happening verbally. It is also a sign of confusion. The downward pull at the corners of the mouth and eyebrows in tandem is a facial cue of sadness.

Fun with Body Language 2

2006-02-07T20:58:00.000-08:00

From the Nonverbal Dictionary: The tense-mouth has been observed as a sign a. of anger, frustration, and threat; b. of determination; c. of sympathy; and d. of cognitive processing while pondering, thinking, or feeling uncertain. The face may show obvious muscular tension with lips held tightly together or less noticeable tension with lips parted and slightly tightened.

Fun with Body Language 1

2006-02-07T20:46:00.000-08:00

The hands over the mouth is a reaction when we are troubled by something. Also we tend to do this when we are lying or saying something that pains us. It is an unconscious effort to literally stop what we are saying. It also means we are troubled by what we are hearing, or are unsure about it. Interlaced fingers are a sign of evaluation or calculation.

The lifted chin is an anti-gravity sign meant to show dominance or disdain. The more open body language, with the arms open is a sign of confidence. The bare arm is a femininity display.

The similar posture is a sign of liking. We tend to mimic the body posture of those around us that we like or agree with. They are both leaning in which is a sign of engagement.

Bitterness

2006-02-06T16:12:00.000-08:00

Failure

2006-02-05T22:26:00.000-08:00

The Value of Human Life

2006-02-05T18:32:00.000-08:00

I've often found that one of the joys of having young people around is the that they force you to constantly justify your point of view. I was having lunch with my niece the other day and she was troubled because a friend of hers had recently tried to kill herself. This friend was committed for the mandatory 72 hours in mental health. My niece was of course upset that her friend had tried to hurt herself, but she was certain that her friend wasn't serious. This was actually why my sister had wanted me to talk with Sarah, but I actually found that she was taking the situation pretty well. She was curious as to why her friend would want to do something like that, but also why people react the way they do to these types of crisis' when they occur. So Sarah asked me why suicide is against the law.

I approached the topic as logically as I could, and together we reasoned out a pretty interesting theory about humanity. We kept the diagram of reality that we drew on the restaurant napkin. Its pinned up on the bulletin in my office right now.

I started with a simple premise. I told Sarah that as a society we make laws that uphold the values of the majority of the citizens in it. And that one of our values was that of human life. Suicide is illegal because it violates a basic value that we have in our culture. Then Sarah asked me why we need to value our own human life. She said she understood that we had to say human life is in and of itself valuable, because we need to feel safe around each other. Especially in modern society because we're all so interdependent on each other for survival.

So we thought about it and this is what we came up with: we must value our own life, because we must fear retribution against that life through incarceration or death should we break the law. In this way we are all as individuals assured of our safety, and thus we are able to live together as a society. If someone really wants to hurt you, and they don't care about the consequences, than most likely we are going to be hurt. The world of doors and locks is only meaningful if you believe in door and locks. Or so my reasoning goes. Really this theory got worked out all the way from Early medieval Christian concepts of the realms of heaven (thank you Manon), to Zen, up through social science and modern criminal law. But what was really funny, was that after all that we came up with our little diagram of reality, constructed after hours spent layering premises with arguments, building a solid philosophy. And when we were done and I had pinned our little diagram up I looked and I said, "It looks a bit cold though, don't you think?" And we decided we needed to go back to the drawing board because we'd missed where humanity fit into the equation. We ended up having a really good conversation about the sacredness of life. A few minutes after she left she called me on her cell phone insisting I'd tricked her....

My Secret Admirer

2006-02-05T18:26:00.000-08:00

So I received a treasure map yesterday, and figured out that the presents I've been receiving over the past few days are supposed to be clues to help my find out where to look for treasure...I like this guy, whoever he is, or maybe he's seen Amelie one too many times. Who knows. I just love a good riddle. I let you know if this turns out to be good.

Betty Friedan

2006-02-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

Betty Friedan has passed away. Today was her 85th birthday. Friedan wrote the book The Feminine Mystique which is credited with setting off the women's movement in the 1960's. She went on to found NOW, which still thrives today. I think the song This Woman's Work by Kate Bush is a fitting tribute to her.

Dysfunction

2006-02-04T11:10:00.000-08:00

My Pet peeve

2006-02-03T19:09:00.000-08:00

I absolutely hate those little motivational posters, coffee mugs, etc. that have vapid platitudes written across them in cursive letters. Usually over a picture of a giant iceberg or a man rock climbing. I find these a personal affront to my intelligence. A friend of mine bought me a demotivational calendar for the new year, and I thought I'd start sharing them with you, because the brighten my day like no picture of a kitten hanging from branch could. This is one of my favorites:

Go here for more: Despair, Inc.

Fanfiction

2006-02-03T06:40:00.000-08:00

This is hilarious!

Satire by Erika Red

Randomness

2006-02-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

I enjoy this picture.

Admiration Continues....

2006-02-03T06:08:00.000-08:00

So, this was in my e-mail today: Common: The Light

More from Dreamer X

2006-02-03T05:29:00.000-08:00

"Well, what does the dream seem to center on?"

"Jack. Well, looking for Jack. I think I'm working vice again, I'm waiting for a john to try and pick me up. But its more than that, there's a feeling of dread...Maybe she was a working girl and we think one of her tricks was the one that did her. I'm not really sure, I can't remember between them all anymore, maybe she wasn't a working girl. I have this feeling of dread though, like I'm waiting for something big. Its not the usual nervousness of working undercover. I sense death in the air. I'm looking through the jumble of bodies as people are passing me, pushing around me, heading wherever they're going. Its like everyone is late, rushing madly to get where there going, or like I'm invisible, like they can't see me. No one is noticing me there half-naked, and I don't even feel self-conscious about it. Then I see a pair of eyes, I fix on them, then there gone. Like pieces of a broken mirror shining up through the water in a stream bed. I find them again and fix on them. I can focus on them more steadily now, its as if the people passing me are muted suddenly. I can't seem to hear or feel them as closely. The shadows lift for a minute and I get a flash of his face. I recognize the face, its my brother. My heart drops...No, it jumps...I don't know, its just...Suddenly I'm aware that its there. I feel frantic, I start pushing people out of the way. I have to get to him. I lose him again! I'm sure of it was him, my eyes are burning. I 'm going to cry, I know it. The sadness is welling up inside me again. Maybe he is alive. Then something stops me."

"What stops you Miranda?"

"I remember my brother is dead. I'm crying though, and I realize my partner should be pushing through the crowd any second now. I'm looking around. I reach for the medal pinned to my corset, I'm embarrassed. Looking down at myself. I'm barefoot, my legs look thin, my feet small compared to the others moving past me. I'm keeping my head down, waiting to feel him near me."

"Why are you hiding your face from him?"

"I'm embarrassed for him to see me like this."

"You don't want your partner to see you how? Dressed this seductively?"

"No. I don't want him to see me crying. I'm afraid if I look at him, he'll know something is wrong. If he asks me, I'll cry.....Where is he? He should be here by now, this is the part of the dream where he goes missing."

"Who has gone missing? Who is it you're looking for now?"

"My partner! I can feel him close. Can feel him watching me, from somewhere. I need to see him now, this feeling of urgency is blooming inside me. I'm crying again. Where is he? My feet are starting to hurt, they're getting cold, people re stepping on them as they move. Everyone has somewhere to go.....The train station is emptying out, the lights are flickering, they're all going to burn out soon. The butterflies are starting to flutter in my stomach again, where is Jack? Where is everyone? I'm so scared. The light it flickering against the tiles on the floor, getting dimmer. All the benches are empty now. I sit down. They look like pews in a church. There are big stained glass windows throughout the station. I feel like I'm in a church. Almost everyone is gone. I'm waiting in my pew. I'm in purgatory I think."

"What are you waiting for Miranda?"

"Something to happen."

"Is this where your dream ends detective?"

More From an Admirer

2006-02-01T01:24:00.000-08:00

Well today it was a copy of Twenty Love Poems by Pablo Neruda....So whoever it is either made a lucky guess, or knows me well enough to know that I love poetry. Here's a sample:

Your Breast Is Enough

Your breast is enough for my heart,
and my wings for your freedom.
What was sleeping above your soul will rise
out of my mouth to heaven.

In you is the illusion of each day.
You arrive like the dew to the cupped flowers.
You undermine the horizon with your absence.
Eternally in flight like the wave.

I have said that you sang in the wind
like the pines and like the masts.
Like them you are tall and taciturn,
and you are sad, all at once, like a voyage.

You gather things to you like an old road.
You are peopled with echoes and nostalgic voices.
I awoke and at times the birds fled and migrated
that had been sleeping in your soul.

Dream Therapy

2006-01-30T12:58:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this is a transcript of me and a patient during a session. The patient's name and the names of people she references have been changed for the purpose of anonymity. She agreed to let me share this transcript in the course of research and training. I thought it might be of interest to see an example of dream analysis. This is just a small excerpt. If you'd like to see more, let me know and I'll post it.

*Manon transcribed this, so any errors are hers! (LOL)

This patient is a detective in her late thirties. Her superior became aware that she was having problems after several lapses in her performance on the job. She explained to her supervisor that she was having trouble sleeping and was having a hard time dealing with stress. After several more incidences of "nerves" he referred her to my office.

"So it says here in my notes that you've been having trouble sleeping?"

"Well, not so much with sleeping, more with dreaming."

"You've been having trouble dreaming?"

"Not, exactly. Its that I've been dreaming too vividly and the dreams, well really its just been one dream over and over again, and its not really a dream, more of a nightmare really."

"Do you have nightmares frequently?"

"That's just it, before this started happening I couldn't tell you the last time I had trouble sleeping, or had a nightmare. Usually I'm so exhausted when I get home that I fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes, I'm sure that I dream, but most of the time I don't remember them, and I never wake up feeling troubled by them, until now."

"Why don't you tell me a little bit about the dream. You say that its recurrent?"

"Yes, every night, the exact same dream. And when I wake up I'm usually so upset that it takes me several minutes to realize that its not real, that I'm indeed awake and in my apartment alone. But more and more I feel and anxiety building inside of me that never really goes away at all."

"Anxiety about what?"

"I don't know, just a feeling that something bad is going to happen, fear that the dream may be some kind of premonition or something. It just feels so insistent. I've been finding it more and more difficult to shake it off before I have to be at work, I get this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and it lingers there all day, just under the surface of what's going on around me. I've tried everything, listening to music, listening to different music, not listening to music, chamomile tea, not eating before bed, eating right before bed, avoiding caffeine avoiding sweets, supplements, over the counter pills...But nothing seems to work, every night the same dream."

"Well lets walk through your dream. I just want you to lay back and close your eyes and try to narrate the events as they happen in your dream...Maybe if we can understand what meaning it might hold for you we might be able to get you some relief. Dreams are usually our brains attempts to figure out or understand events of the day that we skipped over, or didn't have time to understand while we were awake. As we begin I'd like you to think about the events that have happened recently in your life and how they might relate to the events in your dream, this exercise works best if we try to interpret the dream together. Just try to describe everything you are seeing and feeling and don't worry about whether or not it makes sense. If I have any questions I'll stop you and ask you to explain, but the most important part of this first step is to gather as many details as we can."

"Okay, well I wake up suddenly, and I realize that I'm sitting on the ground, the floor is tiled, little white mosaic tiles, they're covered in grime from people walking on them all day long, I look around and realize I'm in some kind of train station, but I don't really recognize it. I'm in the middle of a sea of people, not so much people as shoes and legs, people pushing passed me, hurrying toward something I can't see. The ground is cold and that's when I realize I'm in my underwear. But they're not my underwear, at least, I don't recognize them, I'm looking down at myself, and I'm wearing these bright red panties, and the bottoms of my feet are filthy, and there are streaks of dirt all across my calves, like I've been rolling around on the ground bumping up against something filthy. I feel slightly damp, like maybe I've been in the water recently, or maybe I sat in something, or the floors were freshly mopped where I've been sitting. But I don't feel uncomfortable in my underwear, it feels like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. People aren't really looking at me, and I feel invisible, which I don't seem to mind either.

Something is twinkling in my eyes and realize that there is something pinned to my top, I look down at my chest and notice that I'm wearing a black corset, which I also don't recognize as mine, there is a small religious medal pinned in the center of the neckline."

"Can you see which one it is?"

"No, I only recognize the shape and the feel of it, but fluorescent lights overhead are glaring off of its gold surface and it just looks like a little ball of light. I hold it between my finger and thumb, I'm fidgeting with it, watching it reflect little pearls of light on the walls and columns around me as people continue to bustle around me. I look down at my chest again and under the fluorescent lights the veins in my chest are clearly visible, they look like a dark spider web under my skin. It reminds me of the first dead body I saw. I was called to the scene after a maid had found a dead body in one of the motel rooms she was cleaning up. It was the strangest thing, she was crumpled in the tub, but it was empty, and she still had her clothes on, well her underwear and her top. Now I recognize what I'm wearing, I'm wearing her clothes...For the longest time after that case I couldn't get the image of those red panties out of my mind. All the men standing around in the bathroom in their beige and black coats and slacks, the cream colored shower curtain, the off white countertops the white towels. The girl was kind of a greenish color, and her hair was dark, and she was wearing the dark corset top, and then these bright red panties."

"How do you feel in the dream when you remember this?"

"I feel the way I feel now, like I'm waiting for something to happen. I must be dressed like this to bait the killer I assume. I feel like, slight butterflies in my stomach, wondering if he's following me, if he's seen me already. Is he going to grab me before anyone has a chance to get to me."

"You feel like prey?"

"Yes. Like when you watch those nature shows, you know. And all of the animals are drinking at the wadi or whatever, and always one of them looks up, before the tiger has even made a sound. Its just that psychic awareness of danger that happens. That's how I feel, like I'm aware of the danger, I'm just wondering where its going to come from. How much longer I'm going to be able to drink before I have to run."

"And you also felt like prey with these other detectives?"

"Well I guess I really didn't think of it that way...But I definitely felt like they were all watching me. Trying to gage my reaction. Was I going to be tough, was I going to be emotional. It was a dead woman in her underwear, was I going to be able to handle it."

"That seems like it would be difficult, to have to manage your feelings before you're even sure what they are. How do you process through your reactions to this?"

"I don't know. I didn't really think about it, but I remember her from time to time. I remember all my cases but she's the only one that you know I really think about. I remember one time I was in the car with Jack and we were at a stop light and I saw this girl crossing the street, and I wasn't paying attention to the light, because she looked just like this girl. When Jack asked me why I was so distracted I started to tell him about this case with the girl, and suddenly I realized that I couldn't remember her name. It bothered me all day, but I didn't want to look it up in the computer. I didn't want to have to, I wanted her to matter enough that I would be able to remember if I just thought about it enough."

"When did this incident happen? I mean how far did this experience with forgetting the girls name precipitate the bad dreams?"

"A few weeks, I guess I just never connected them because the girl doesn't really figure in my dream much beyond being dead."

I've Got An Admirer.....

2006-01-30T11:12:00.000-08:00

Apparently I've got a secret admirer. Someone sent me flowers today, no note or anything. I wasn't sure what to do, put them in a vase or throw them out. In my job I never know who could be sending me things....I try to be an optimist, but well, this is Manhattan. The secretary said he brought them in person, but she won't tell me who it was. She won't tell me anything! Whoever it is, it's working, because now here I sit, wondering about who they could be.

CSI Helps You Commit Murder?

2006-01-29T23:00:00.000-08:00

An article I found on Breitbart.Com says that criminals are using shows like CSI and others like instructional videos on how to commit crimes without leaving evidence behind. I'm not sure what I think of this argument, it seems to parallel the old argument that movies like Natural Born Killers encourage people to become violent. Then again when your dealing with a killer nicknamed "Maniac"...well some questions just answer themselves.

One Last Thing

2006-01-28T16:10:00.000-08:00

Not that I think substance abuse is funny...we'll just call this a PSA...

Feeling Funny Again

2006-01-28T15:49:00.000-08:00

I've been having trouble readjusting to the weather since I've been back from Hawai'i. I've never been so incredibley sad to leave a place. I came back with a sunburn and a pooka shell necklace. It was funny to get som many looks at the cosmetics counter when I went in desperately in need of an exfoliant in the middle of January. I've been trying to maintain my vacation high as long as possible, which has led to many jokes around the office about the "beard epidsode of Kids in the Hall". Well I finally found it, so I bring it to you:

Everyone Else is Doing it...

2006-01-27T14:10:00.000-08:00

Morrissey: Why Don't You Find Out for Yourself

The sanest days are mad
Why don’t you find out for yourself ?
Then you’ll see the price
Very closely

Some men here
They have a special interest
In your career
They wanna help you to grow
And then syphon all your dough
Why don’t you find out for yourself ?
Then you’ll see the glass
Hidden in the grass

You’ll never believe me, so
Why don’t you find out for yourself ?
Sick down to my heart
That’s just the way it goes

Some men here
They know the full extent of
Your distress
They kneel and pray
And they say :
Long may it last

Why don’t you find out for yourself ?
Then you’ll see the glass
Hidden in the grass
Bad scenes come and go
For which you must allow
Sick down to my heart
That’s just the way it goes

Don’t rake up my mistakes
I know exactly what they are
And ... what do you do ?
Well ... you just sit there
I’ve been stabbed in the back
So many many times
I don’t have any skin
But that’s just the way it goes

Schizophrenic, Paranoid Type

2006-01-27T13:45:00.000-08:00

A patient diagnosed as schizophrenic, paranoid type, was unable to respond at all when asked by the therapist to make n an original drawing. Therefore, with the therapist's help, a picture was selected from magazine for the patient to copy. One of the e first attempts was picture 2, s pencil drawing on manila paper showing great visual distortion, s well s n inability to use colors and difficulty in using letters of the alphabet.

The evident visual distortion was a diagnostic aid for the thrapist, who was able to learn from it that the patient, who was extremely fearful, saw things in this distorted way, aggravating his fear. In picture 3 the patient has shown obvious improvemnt, although it was not until a year after therapy began that he was able to execute a painting with the realism of picture 4.

Undifferentiated Schizophrenia

2006-01-27T13:32:00.000-08:00

These paintings were made by male patient diagnosed as suffering form undifferentiated schizophrenia. Over a period of about nine years, he did hundreds of paintings in which the tops of the heads of these of males were always missing, though the females were complete. He was unable to communicate verbally, and when asked about his life would often draw a comic strip that told a story, such as the one shown here.

In n attempt to maneuver the patient into a position to complete a man's head, the therapist made the outline of a suit of clothes on canvas, low enough so that head would logically fit in the picture, and urged the patient to finish the drawing. The patient, however, painted only a suit.

Art of the Emotionally Disturbed

2006-01-27T11:06:00.000-08:00

I found an old abnormal psychology textbook in my library at home. It had some pictures I thought might be of interest here. These are paintings done by Louis Wain, who was a popular artist in the 1920's. He suffered a schizophrenic breakdown during his career, but continued to paint. These paintings document the change in his mental condition. You can see how the paintings move from realistic depictions to increasingly stylized representations. This is common of schizophrenia as perceptions become increasingly clouded.

I'll Find A Way

2006-01-26T11:56:00.000-08:00

I've been getting into Rachael Yamagata lately. I find that her songs are very adult, in the sense that she writes about relationships in a very grown-up way. She writes about emotions that are complex and mysterious. Her songs never feel completely resolved, which I enjoy. Take a listen:

Rachael Yamagata: I'll Find A Way

What Makes Someone Interesting?

2006-01-25T20:20:00.000-08:00

I asked my friend this the other day and this was his response:

If there's a recipe for compelling people, it relies most on humility. The world would certainly be more pleasant if a few more of it's intelligentsia made an effort to be less self-concerned and self-aggrandizing. That said, my favorites like to drink and laugh, and they know what art is good without being able to explain it. I'll be more impressed if you cook a good meal than if you explain a philisophical concept. An onion is more important than an idea, and a glass of wine is better than an opinion. I believe in conviviality and the best among us are those who understand that to live a good and rich life is the real test of understanding.

What do you think makes someone interesting?

Good for a Laugh

2006-01-25T15:45:00.000-08:00

If you like this go here Pleix Films

Girl on the Bridge

2006-01-24T12:11:00.000-08:00

Another clip from a movie I love. This is taken from Girl on a Bridge, its about a knife thrower and his "target". Enjoy:

In the Realms of the Unreal

2006-01-23T20:49:00.000-08:00

I just watched the most amazing documentary about author/artist Henry Darger. Everyone should see it. I can't really do it justice in words, this is a brief biography from Realm of the Unreal:

Introduction:

Henry Darger died in 1973 in a Catholic mission operated by the Little Sisters of the Poor. He was buried in a paupers' cemetery. He had no family or friends. The neighbors in his north Chicago apartment building remembered him as an odd, unkempt man who scavenged through garbage cans and talked to himself in numerous voices. He attended mass every day, often several times a day, but otherwise led a solitary life.

Unknown to his neighbors and to everyone, Darger had been creating and compiling a massive literary and graphic body of work since 1909. If Darger's landlord, photographer Nathan Lerner, had not sorted through the collection of scavenged debris in Darger's apartment after he moved to the mission, the writings and paintings certainly would have been lost.

Central to Darger's work is his 15,000 page, 12 volume, single-spaced, typewritten epic entitled The Story of the Vivian Girls, in What is Known as the Realms of the Unreal, of the Glandeco-Angelinnian War Storm, as caused by the Child Slave Rebellion. Darger exhibit curator Stephen Prokopoff summarizes the story:

The story recounts the wars between nations on an enormous and unnamed planet, of which Earth is a moon. The confict is provoked by the Glandelinians, who practice child enslavement. After hundreds of ferocious battles, the good Christian nation of Abbiennia forces the 'haughty' Glandelinians to give up their barbarous ways. The heroines of Darger's history are the seven Vivian sisters, Abbiennian princesses. They are aided in their struggles by a panoply of heroes, who are sometimes the author's alter-egos. The battles are full of vivid incident: charging armies, ominous captures, alarms and explosions, the appearances of demons and dragons.

Hundreds of watercolor paintings illustrate the Realms of the Unreal. Some are huge double-sided murals, painted on scrolls four feet high and ten feet long. Darger often employed collage or traced figures from comic strips and children's books, but his keen sense of composition and use of vivid color allowed him to create landscapes, battle scenes, portraits, and even an odalisque, of incredible intensity and beauty.

Darger's paintings, as well as the passages of the Realms of the Unreal they illustrate, often are disturbingly violent. Cruel Glandelinian soldiers strangle, torture and eviscerate great numbers of clothed and naked children. The numerous, explicit depictions of torture have led several critics to speculate as to whether Darger was in fact a child murderer or serial killer. He most probably was not.

Another curious feature of Darger's paintings is the androgynous rendering of his female subjects. Darger equipped each naked little girl with a simply drawn, hairless penis. Critical conjecture regarding Darger's anatomical knowledge or lack thereof, his consciously symbolic or unconscious intentions, and his character in general, abounds.

During his lifetime, Darger alone comprised the audience for the Vivian sisters' story. And, although recent evidence suggests he may have considered publicizing his work, that ultimately he produced such a complex, beautiful, and really weird opus entirely for himself is wonderful. It seems especially so now, when the notions of self-expression and commodity most often are equated.

Matthew Michael

This is a link to information about the documentary:

Realm of the Unreal

Some of his art work:

A Little Latin Refresher

2006-01-23T14:16:00.000-08:00

While I was thumbing through my classics I came across an old Latin textbook, I thought I'd share some phrases:

Dum excusare credis, accusas.
(When you believe you are excusing yourself, you are accusing yourself.)

Haec ego non multis (scribo), sed tibi: satis enim magnum alter alteri theatrum sumus.
(I write this not to the many, but to you only, for you and I are surely enough of an audience for each other.)

Odi et amo. Quare id faciam, fortasse requiris.
Nescio. Sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
(I hate and I love. Perhaps you ask me why.
I don't know. But I feel, tormented, that it is so.)

Vide quam mihi persuaserim te me esse alterum.
(See, how convinced I am that you are my second self.)

Divinum sedare dolorem
(It is divine to alleviate pain)

Esse potius quam haberi
(Not being seen, but being.)

Contemplata aliis tradere
(Handing on to others the fruit of our contemplation)

Pandora's Box

2006-01-23T14:03:00.000-08:00

I was thinking a lot about the nature of reality, and how we construct our reality lately. Detective Goren sent me a little brain teaser and it got me going in that direction. Whenever I let myself go in that direction I end up back with the Greeks. Don't ask me how this all comes together, I just work here....

Most people don't know that the last item in Pandora's box was Hope. What even more people don't realize is that to the Greeks, hope was man's greatest curse. Hope is like a narcotic that lulls the mind to sleep while great injustices and the harsh truths of living with other people take place right outside the bedroom window.

I've seen the power of hope at work in my office many times. Seen people transformed by it, and also, endure incredible pain with the help of it. But Hope can also be a dumbing thing. Capatilism is a great example. In the United States we have a real bootstraps mentality about success. The belief seems to be that if you work hard enough, you can do anything. But the reality is that the playing field is rarely level, and more often than not good people suffer despite their best efforts. But because there is a hope that one might have success in a capatalistic culture, the masses will tolerate the injustices brought down on the poor, elderly, female, or ethnic groups among them. Communism or collectivism isn't as attractive because it doesn't offer hope of something better, it merely offers good enough for everyone. I know I'm making things very simple, but any other way and I'd be writing a novel.

Phase Two of Flirting

2006-01-22T20:25:00.000-08:00

So for the second part of the study on flirting, I was shown various pictures of men and asked to rate their attractiveness. Again here is something similar for you to have fun with:

Hot or Not?

My Favorite Leonard Cohen Poem

2006-01-22T12:01:00.000-08:00

All the talk about ghosts and secrets from the past, reminded me of this poem. I think I like it because it captures that fractured quality of nostalgia and regret and sentiment.

Song from "The Spice-Box of Earth"

I almost went to bed
without remembering
the four white violets
I put in the button-hole
of your green sweater

and how i kissed you then
and you kissed me
shy as though I'd
never been your lover

If you'd like to hear more Leonard Cohen, this is him reading his poem Democracy:

Democracy

If you want even more Leonard Cohen this is a link to the hour long interview he did on Morning becomes eclectic. He plays some songs and reads a few poems. On the same site you can also find the interview is son Adam Cohen did on the same show with his band.

Morning Becomes Eclectic

The Boy Who Could Fly

2006-01-22T11:00:00.000-08:00

So today was particularly rough in court. I have been working with a young victim for months now, he was attacked with a knife and nearly stabbed to death. He was so severely injured that in our first few session in my office I could hear the railing of his breathing through his sternum. I had lot of trouble getting him to accuse his attacker because it was someone close to him. He would just shut down. I finally got him in a place where he could sit in my lap, curl up against my body and whisper the words into my ear. So then it was time to video tape his testimony, but the defendents attourney's were able to argue that the boy needed to testify in open court....Ugh!!!! But I was sure if I could just keep the boy with me, we could make it through the paces of his testimony. And I have to admit it, I was proud of myself, I had made a real breakthrough with this child. We were holding hands walking into court, he squeezed my hand a few times as we sat outside the courtroom, and then they called his name and we walked in, I took a seat toward the front and they led him up to the witness stand. And then nothing. He wouldn't speak, just looked at me...the court was silent except for that railing sound of his breathing. And you know what I thought of? That old Disney movie The Boy Who Could Fly. In the movie a teenaged boy who is mute, and practically catatonic moves with his family to a new town. The boy's next door neighbor is a girl his same age. They have gym class together, and she gets assigned to work with him on catching a ball. You've got that right, catching a ball. The boy is so internal that he won't respond to outside stimulus, if you throw the ball at him, he will just let it hit him. He has no startle response, to protective insinct. The girl works with him for months, sitting across from him on the gymnamsium floor, just talking and rolling the ball toward him, unil one day, he stops the ball and rolls it back to her. From there they keep making progress until the girl feels they are ready to go in front of the class and show the teacher. Well, on the big day they are standing in front of the class and she throws the ball at him and he just lets it hit him in the chest, doesn't even try to catch it. This happens a few more times until it is evident that zero progress has been made. In total frustration the girl takes the ball and hands it to another girl in the class who is her sort of nemesis if you will, and says "I want you to throw this at my face as hard as you can." In the next scene the girl has a huge black eye.

This is exactly how I felt. I was sitting on the steps in front of the courthouse when a shadow came over me, I looked up and I saw Detective Logan. I just looked at him and said "Remember that movie The Boy Who Could Fly....." This is a metaphor we've talked about many times in the past, so he knew exactly what I was trying to say. He sat down next to me and said "Do you remember how we first met?".....

We had a good talk. I realize how easy it is to forget all the successes that we have had when we meet with failure. Or how easy it is to lose sight of the what is truly important. I mean here, what's really important is that the little boy trusts me, and in his own life has been healed enough to name his attacker to at least one other person. Maybe justice won't be coming for him today legally speaking, but that doesn't mean the relationship we formed together is meaningless.

My Child

2006-01-21T22:38:00.000-08:00

My only child, always with her head in a book! Here she was reading/chewing on a copy of the Cyborg Manifesto by Donna Haraway. It's about epistemic rhetoric, beyond that its kind of hard to explain.....

Post Modern Love

2006-01-21T17:14:00.000-08:00

So if Nietzsche was right, and God is dead, and science is the new religion, then I present to you, Post Modern Love.

Competing with Detective Goren

2006-01-21T17:08:00.000-08:00

I love good ol' Fleetwood Mac as well as all the other stuff Detective Goren has been spinning, so I had to post a link to my favorite Fleetwood Mac song:

Beautiful Child

Flirt with Me!

2006-01-21T15:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, since I've decided to help Manon out and take part in this little study, I thought it might be fun to include others in the process. The first thing I've been asked to to is answer a series of questions about how I interact or "flirt" with other people in various situations....so here is something similar:

Are You a Flirt?

These were my results:

Your quiz responses indicate you are about average when it comes to flirting. Some of your answers reveal you to be a flirter, while others show you are more reserved. Sounds like you are someone who can turn it on when the mood or right situation strikes you.

Flirting

2006-01-21T08:05:00.000-08:00

My assistant is also a graduate assistant to a professor at the New School who is doing a study on flirting. She has asked me to participate....What do you think?

More Marilyn Monroe

2006-01-20T13:59:00.000-08:00

Marilyn sings Happy Birthday....my assistant found this and sent it to me:

Sexy Little Girl Princess

2006-01-20T13:19:00.000-08:00

I was reading through Nicole Wallace's blog today, and I was reminded of Lisa Germano. Germano is an independent recording artist who has been stalked for years by an obsessed fan. Her music is incredibly personal, the sounds she creates are like delicate crystal that seem as if they could shatter at any moment. She had an album called Geek The Girl, which was her dealing with a lot of issues surrounding sexuality, sexual abuse, self-esteem, and violence against women. I think everyone who listens to it could benefit greatly. Germano is willing to come out and say many of the things that we feel about ourselves as women, but would never admit to. I've linked to of her songs, the first one Sexy Little Girl Princess just reminds me of Nicole. The second one, A Psychopath, chronicles Germano's history with her stalker. In the background of the song is an actual 911 call from the 70's where a woman who was being stalked is telling the police that her stalker is at her home. This was before there were laws to protect women from stalkers. The woman in the call was murdered while on the phone with police and became a sort of PSA for domestic violence and the need for more rigid laws protecting women. So just as warning, some people find this song very disturbing. But I think its supposed to. Let me know what you think.

El

Sexy Little Girl Princess

I'm warning again, some people find this disturbing, listen at your own peril!
A Psychopath

More Fun with Cops

2006-01-20T01:01:00.000-08:00

A Scene From My Favorite Movie

2006-01-17T09:50:00.001-08:00

I have to admit that I love the movie Secretary. It was actually adapted from a collection of short stories called Bad Behaviorby Mary Gaitskill. The stories in the book aren't connected to each other, but the theme throughout the book is sadism and masochism. I really enjoyed the book though because she explores the relationship between dominance, power, fear, love, etc. beyond the familiar whips and chains physicality that most of us are familiar with. If I recall correctly only one or two of the stories dealt with actual sexual bondage and discipline. Many of the stories dealt with the kind of emotional submissions or tyrannies that people engage in. Of course Gaitskill is a very gifted writer which is what really makes the stories significant beyond their erotic value. Perhaps because I'm a psychologist, or just fascinated with people, I always enjoy books that spend a lot of time in the heads of their characters, and not many writer's can sustain this for very long. I think what I enjoyed the most about Gaitskill's stories was that they dealt with very ordinary people. Trust me in my line of work I learned a long time ago that the interior life of most "average" people would make Caligula blush. Was it Freud who said that if you want to understand people you should read a book?

This little clip is my favorite because its less like a job interview and more like a session with a patient. I just love how Lee responds to Mr. Grey's assessment of her.

If your grown up, you can find some more interesting clips here

So I Should Reflect More Before I Start Posting

2006-01-16T20:40:00.000-08:00

Always it seems that once I get started on something infinite possibilities occur to me...So today was a rough day at the office, one of those days when you lose a little faith in humanity because everyone that is coming through the door is in some state of crisis. Some days it makes you feel validated, because they are coming to you for help. Other days it just reminds you how much work is left to do. I said in my earlier post that the downside to my profession is that most of the people that I come into contact with are in crisis, or suffer from psychosis. I remember having conversation with a Detective several years ago. He was working on a case and several of the witnesses that he interviewed were married men that were using a dating service to have affairs. And of course all of the witnesses swore on the lives of their wives and children that they weren't having affairs, or that they had thought about it, but never actually used the service. And as we were sitting there in the park eating our lunch and watching parents playing with their children, and young couples from the college making out in the grass, a truly pained expression came over his face and he said "You know of everything about this job, the one thing that I never get used to is the lying. Everyday, everyone just lying, right to your face." Obviously that moment and sentiment has stuck with me...So tell me, what aspect of your job do you think affects the way you look at the world the most?

More Dysfunction

2006-01-16T20:09:00.000-08:00

Me and a friend were discussing the downside to our profession today, that sometimes you can forget that there are normal people out there! He reminded me of the Philip Larkin poem This Be The Verse, which has on occassion been my cynical guilty pleasure...

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Learn More

Check Out My Morality

2006-01-16T19:03:00.000-08:00

The test you have just taken is designed to measure your moral attitudes, particularly as they relate to your religious and cultural background. We've also included results about your personality, as measured by the ‘Big Five’ survey. Your results are explained below, followed by further discusion about this test.

Moral Attitudes Results

By “moral” we mean those aspects of thought and behavior that relate to commonly accepted notions of right and wrong, and to selfish and unselfish actions. One need not be religious to be “moral,” although religions do tend to espouse moral codes of behavior. We have broken down your results into two sub-categories: political/economic morals and social morals.


Politically Conservative		Politically Liberal
Socially Conservative		Socially Liberal
Overall Conservative		Overall Liberal

Based on your answers to the previous questions, your overall score on a conservative/liberal dimension of moral attitudes--compared with the general population--puts your percentile at 65, with the 99th percentile indicating the most liberal possible rating. Another way of explaining this is to say that out of 100 randomly-selected people, you will most likely be more liberal than 65 of them.

You tend to hold progressive/liberal values, but are more traditional on some aspects.
When it comes to social morals, you feel that society's current laws need to be more liberal and flexibile across the board.
You believe that the government's current positions are generally acceptable, but you would prefer it to change several of its policies and practices.

Personality Survey Results


Closed-Minded		Open to New Experiences
Disorganized		Conscientious
Introverted		Extraverted
Disagreeable		Agreeable
Calm / Relaxed		Nervous / High-Strung

There has been much research on how people describe others, and five major dimensions of human personality have been found. They are often referred to as the OCEAN model of personality, because of the acronym from the names of the five dimensions. Your specific personality indicates that the following attributes will most likely describe you well:

You typically don't seek out new experiences.
You probably have a messy desk!
You are neither particularly social or reserved.
You find it easy to criticize others.
You are a generally anxious person and tend to worry about things.

Take the Morality Test

Quote of the Day

2006-01-16T13:28:00.000-08:00

"Stay naked as much as possible, but do not impose your orgiastic will on others. Don't have sex in the lobby - it's usually awkward." -- Hunter S. Thompson

Nick Cave Does Spoken Word

2006-01-16T05:45:00.000-08:00

This is pretty cool, a little poem by Nick Cave with accompaniment by Shane McGowan and the Dirty Three...I really like Nick Cave's writing, if you ever come across a book titled "And The Ass Saw The Angel" pick it up! Not only is it a rarity, but it is also an amazing fictional account of psychosis. Think Ed Gein's diary meets the bible and you're close.

Zero is Also a Number

I can be Humorous Once in Awhile....

2006-01-15T15:14:00.000-08:00

This another Kids in the Hall Sketch I love, especially because it deals with my personal favorite when it comes to court...temporary insanity! Enjoy Amy and Janice who I love for visiting my blog on a regular basis.